Life is filled with suffering. It creates stressful moments that attack us. Stress causes us to make mistakes, to be angry, to offend, to be cruel. It’s natural but that doesn’t mean it’s right. While we can’t repair the damage that we cause, an apology can help maintain the relationships with those we harm.
An apology for a mistake or wrongdoing demonstrates three important elements:
- That you understand the negative impact of your actions and feel regret or remorse
- That you can empathize with the victim’s emotions and you would feel the same in their situation
- That you’ve learned and intend to behave differently in the future
When you should apologize
Be aware that a written apology in some cases can be an admission of guilt, and before you undertake writing one, you should consult with a lawyer first. With that being said it’s usually the most ethical thing to do. Writing an apology letter is the first step towards repairing a relationship.
People perceive conflicts in various ways and need ample time to cope with the circumstances and process the damage, on both sides. Meaning you should attempt to apologize as soon as possible after careful and intense reflection. Understanding the negative impact will also help you write a more sincere apology.
Common reasons to apologize include:
- Mental, Verbal, Physical, and/or emotional abuse
- Not being proactive when expected and ignoring a known problem
- Making a mistake on the job
- Failing to give credit to someone else.
Writing the apology letter
The first step to writing an apology is processing your emotions. You may feel regret for something that was out of your control but could have been better prepared for. Or remorse for harming someone mentally, verbally or physically. Or even shame and embarrassment for how the situation turned out.
The key is to embrace these emotions, not avoid them. While processing, accept responsibility for the things that were under your control. Your thoughts and actions. How you spoke to the other person. The boundaries that you broke. Try to imagine yourself in the position of the victim of the situation.
Do not attempt to justify the actions or explain them away. That just leads to stagnation instead of growth. And the letter is not just to help you, it’s to help the other person.
How to start an apology Letter
An introduction to an apology letter should start off with addressing your recipient by name, then stating what your letter is about. Your recipient should be able to recognize immediately that it’s an apology letter in the title or in the very first sentence. Getting straight to the point will eliminate confusion.
“Hello Cynthia,
I wanted to apologize for my actions which caused harm to your business. I accused you of being lazy and not meeting several unrealistic expectations I had for your service. Mainly things that were outside your area of expertise or not found within the job description.”
In just three sentences you can tell exactly what the situation was about and how the circumstances led to the main conflict.
Apology Letter Guidelines
Acknowledgement of the Impact: Accepting responsibility for how you impacted others will validate the feelings of the victim. Victims don’t really care about the act itself, they want you to hear them and be seen. More importantly, they don’t want to feel like weak or embarrassed. Empower them.
Contain Peace Offerings: Every good apology letter expresses the wish to make amends. Offer up a suggestion for a fun activity to re-establish trust and respect. It will demonstrate that you’ve learned from your bad behavior. Never ask the victim for suggestions. They may be unreasonable or it may interfere with them processing the event.
Rehabilitation Plan: An apology letter isn’t just for recognizing mistakes. It’s a chance for growth and proving that you will do better in the future. Explain to your victim how you plan to correct your behavior.
Unconditional: Remember that an apology doesn’t guarantee the other person will forgive you for what happened. Otherwise the world would be an easy place to fix. Sometimes relationships can’t be fixed. You should just focus on building better ones in the future.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
Writing an apology can be a very emotional task. While processing our emotions, it’s very easy to run into some common mistakes. Try to avoid the pitfalls that can make your apology just seem like an attack on the victim.
Using Excuses or Long Explanations
Never ruin an apology with an excuse
Benjamin Franklin
If you want to explain the circumstances that surrounded your actions, do it briefly. Do not create a lengthy explanation that takes up most of the content of the letter. Do not attempt to rationalize your behavior as necessary, forced, or out of your control.
“I was trying to…” It doesn’t matter.
Using a Passive-Aggressive Tone
Passive-aggressive behavior is the pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. It causes a disconnect between your words and your actions. It can cause the recipient of your letter to lose track of the overall message and focus on your indirect hostility.
“I’m sorry that you felt offended by my actions…”
Narcissistic Language or Self Pity
An apology letter is about the victim. Taking the focus away from them can be more insensitive than the actual instance. It may feel like you are trying to silence the victim, or gain reassurance. “It hurt me just as much as it hurt you”. No, it didn’t. “I’m a dumb idiot.” Who cares? “People make mistakes.” Obviously.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is psychologically manipulating someone to make them question their own judgements, misleading them, or creating a false narrative. It is a strong sign of narcissism and/or psychopathy and should be avoided at all costs. Examples of gaslighting are but not limited to:
“It was just a joke, can’t you take a joke?”
“You know I would never hurt you on purpose.”
“You’re not perfect either.”
“You’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Repeated Apologies
Once you have communicated the negative impacts and how you plan to fix them, move on. Repeated or frequent apologies can be more offensive to victims than never apologizing.
Expecting Forgiveness/Acceptance
Keep in mind that the victim does not have to accept your forgiveness or acceptance. Depending on the severity of the situation, they may never.
Apology Letter Sample
Theory can’t replace practice, so check out the below example of a sincere apology letter and try to write your own!
Dear John Doe,
I apologize for my hurtful and critical comments made yesterday during our meeting. I wasted an opportunity to provide constructive feedback and instead hurled insults out of anger. After reflection, I realized how unprofessional and disruptive I was to the office. No one deserves to be bullied. I shouldn’t have embarrassed you.
Whether you accept this apology or not, I promise to behave differently in the future. I’ve reached out to a therapist who recommended me anger management courses and I’d like to give you the number privately and pay for a free session. I will accept the consequences of my actions.